Archive for July, 2008
Get lost
A spatial cadet asks:
I need to be able to accurately record, to within 5 – 10 m, locations in both urban and rural environments. These need to be accurate as I, (and others), may need to go back to these locations (something about the need for repeat measurements that I do not get). It is easy in urban places as I have plenty reference points so I can identify locations as, say, close to the post box, George Street, or opposite the pub, Stockbridge. However, I struggle in rural locations as I have fewer landmarks. While 200 m upstream from a bridge, Weardale, sounds reasonable, elsewhere I am afraid that some of the sheep I used to take references from may move. Could you suggest a common sense solution to me ?
One pearl of wisdom on “Get lost”
Provide common sense...
Alphabetisation
An OCD twitchers notes
The birds in my garden have started to organise themselves into alphabetical order with Sparrows, Starlings and Swifts all nesting in a line. I am concerned on two counts. 1) where should the Song Thrush go (is it in the T area or the S area?) 2) I would prefer them to organise themselves under their systematic names - how do I get them to move? Thank you
2 lacklustre pieces of inspiration on “Alphabetisation”
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Consultant G Says:
July 21st, 2008 at 10:10 amOkay, you need to decide what you are basing your nomeclature on. In the first part of the query you refer to sparrow, starling and swift, which are genera, then switch to song thrush, which is specific. If you are doing it by common english name, the birds are already our of order as it will be house sparrow, common starling and common swift. If you are doing it by scientific name they are similarily out of order : passer, sturnus and apus.
If you want to do it by phylogentic order, then it should be swift, starling, sparrow.
Thus, give it up and get a life boyo.
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Consultant C Says:
July 21st, 2008 at 11:08 amShould you wish to manipulate the spatial location of any birds nests, you should only do this by encouragement - provide suitable nesting habitat (boxes or similar) where you wish them to nest, and not where you wish to discourage them. Be prepared for this to be a slow process.
Please do not remove any active nests; this is likely to contravene the wildlife legislation of your country.
Provide common sense...
Sunny Scots
A popular contemporary author has brought attention to an old PG Wodehouse quote:
It is seldom difficult to distinguish between a Scotsman and a ray of sunshine.
Discuss.
3 lacklustre pieces of inspiration on “Sunny Scots”
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July 18th, 2008 at 10:41 amI cannae be bothered with this stuff - get lost and I will not discuss. This site does not support racism or stereotyping.
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July 18th, 2008 at 2:12 pmLife is just a bowl of cherries, as far as I am concerned.
You’re all miserable curmudgeons!
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V. Meldrew Says:
July 18th, 2008 at 6:28 pmI don’t believe it! What is it with you people? Why do you have to be like that?
Provide common sense...
Singularity
From a single person
Having yet again ended up being single can you lovely chaps help me by recommending ways I can find myself another relationship - but this time one that lasts please. I believe I am still in good health, not too chubby and also a reasonable catch, yet I can never make relationships stick. How should I find myself a new girl?
5 lacklustre pieces of inspiration on “Singularity”
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July 18th, 2008 at 9:59 amWe live in a very liberal society; perhaps you should try boys?
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July 18th, 2008 at 10:45 amI must disagree with my esteemed colleague C as his proposed solution would not find the poor man a new girl.
Instead, why not try going back to Uni for a post grad course, or failing that working for the Child Support Agency - you will meet plenty single women there. -
July 18th, 2008 at 11:26 amWe must examine why this chap continually fails with women. He appears not to have trouble finding women to interfere with, they just don’t last. Perhaps he is generally objectionable; perhaps he is gay and hasn’t realised it. Alternatively, he may have particularly high standards and no one but the mythically fabled ‘perfect woman’ will live up to his dreams, in which case, I wish him well.
If he is determined that it’s women he’s after, he could try impregnating one that he likes. Rather irresponsible behaviour of course, but it might tempt them to stay.
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July 18th, 2008 at 1:22 pmOkay, this is the common sense consultancy and common sense says that you should not follow the last bit of advice from consultant C.
Instead, why not lower your standards, or try going out with a couple of lassies who do not fit your idea criteria. That way you may re callibrate your evaluation of how perfect they (and subsequents) are. Oh, and I suggest that no lass is ever going to hit you around the face with a wet fish (at least not on the first few dates). -
July 18th, 2008 at 3:47 pmAh, but common sense dictates that women of a certain age have a requirement for impregnation. I am led to believe that our client is also of that certain age, so perhaps any reticence on his part to become the daddy may be his downfall. If this is the case, pursuing women outwith that certain age bracket may be beneficial.
Which way do you think he will jump? Going younger will lead to the problem coming back and biting him on the bottom at a later date therefore I suggest, if this is indeed the problem, that pursuing older women may be preferable.
Provide common sense...
News for no one?
An employee is bamboozled by his employer
My employer has installed a large television by the door of our open plan office. It shows the BBC news channel all day, every day, although the sound is turned down so that we are not disturbed. The TV can only be seen when standing by the door. We don’t receive any visitors who need entertained whist waiting for something to happen. This telly is on all day with no one watching it; I just don’t understand why. Can you explain?
2 lacklustre pieces of inspiration on “News for no one?”
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Consultant K Says:
July 17th, 2008 at 9:31 amMarketing dear chap.
The monitor that is there will give the client who walks in the impression they are entering a dynamic, hip and upto date company. OK so a client only turns up every few months but that probably suggests your company only has a few big (and therefore important clients).Tax dodging dear chap.
Also remember the way VAT and other taxes work. If at the end of the year the company has made a small profit, it is better to spend that money than to pay corporation tax and also (if this is consultancy style work) will increase the size of the companys VAT write down.Or maybe it was on special offer in Tesco
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July 17th, 2008 at 4:01 pmYou are right! The big telly is on offer in Tesco!
Provide common sense...
To a GIANT mouse
A cryptozoologist asks
I was recently sent this photo of what appears to be a giant wood mouse. Can your panel of experts suggest why this mouse has grown so big ? Is it due to global warming ?
12 lacklustre pieces of inspiration on “To a GIANT mouse”
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July 16th, 2008 at 1:50 pmDisnae look that muckle tae me!
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July 16th, 2008 at 2:12 pmAh, what we have here is a problem of scale. Perhaps if the crytopzoologist had given some indication of the size of the beastie we would be able to respond better. To quote Consultant L’s comment (it is the only way he will ever get a comment here) from an unrelated discussion “Why are punters so poor at size/distance estimates? eg pussy cats becoming black panthers.”
So, if you think you have seen an eagle or black panther, think twice and try and get an objective, measurable estimate of size (perhaps compare it to something else you can measure at a later time). After all, blokes like woman with small hands. -
Bob Says:
July 16th, 2008 at 2:24 pmThere is an established correlation between size and latitude in many species. One theory is that the reduced surface area to volume ratio of the larger beastie helps conserve energy but as with most simple explanations of observed trends in biogeography, there are enough exceptions to suggest that it may be pish. Is the mouse large because it contains many small mice?
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Carl Bergmann Says:
July 16th, 2008 at 3:09 pmThanks Bod - this is indeed an established generality. Do we know the latitude at which this photo was taken ?
Is it relevant ?
Is there also a general rule regarding animals appearing larger when they contains many small animals ?Interesting pregnant pause there.
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M Ouse Says:
July 16th, 2008 at 3:32 pmmy stones are about 56.3975 latitude and should you wish to visit about -3.4352 Long
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July 16th, 2008 at 4:12 pmAh, the mouse can type. Can I ask what size you are (in SI units please).
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July 17th, 2008 at 9:40 amNEVER ASK A WOMAN HER WEIGHT! Rude boy, next thing you will be asking my age
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July 17th, 2008 at 1:57 pmSorry - just wanted it to say jump onto a giant mouse on the left
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July 17th, 2008 at 2:09 pmSorry Bob - I wrote Bod by mistake.
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July 17th, 2008 at 2:10 pmHey - search for ‘giant wood mouse’ in google !
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July 17th, 2008 at 2:54 pmI still want to know what evidence the “cryptozoologist” has for suggesting this mouse is anything other than normal size.
I know about big things, and that mouse don’t look big!
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November 18th, 2008 at 4:37 pmPerhaps it was related to this giant rat:
http://www.thedailymash.co.uk/animals/animals-headlines/%27look-at-the-size-of-this-f*cking-rat%27-say-zoologists-20080105608/
Provide common sense...
Is there a bomb in the recycling?
A concerned member of the pubic asks
On my walk to work yesterday I passed a number of packaging recycling bins. One of them was beeping loudly. Cautiously, I approached and peered into the bin but could not see the source of the noise. What could this be? Worried for my own health, and with a requirement for a soon to be arriving train, I rapidly turned heel. On my way home several hours later, the beeping was still going! I ignored the noise and made haste for the security of home.
I am troubled that I have not behaved in the most appropriate manner. What should I have done? Could this have been some form of ordnance that I blithely ignored?
One pearl of wisdom on “Is there a bomb in the recycling?”
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July 16th, 2008 at 1:26 pmStrange, but probably nothing to worry about, especially if you are not too near a sensitive potential terrorist target. It will however really screw up the recycling so in terms of environmentalism you should have reported it to the number on the side of the facility.
July 22nd, 2008 at 3:29 pm
In a rural environment please use a GPS unit to record your spatial location, in addition to any descriptive aspects of your location. A GPS is a piece of devilish wizardry that records your location remarkably accurately. The use of sheep for spatial referencing is deprecated. Please discontinue this practice in the future. when you interfere with them they tend to run away rendering them less useful. Also consider how good you are at recognising individual sheep - this can be quite a task.
In an urban environment you can also use a GPS, however if the information you are collecting is referenced to a building, then you should record its full and correct address, with reference to the Ordnance Survey’s Address Point database, for preference. This will ensure your location can be used by others, and that you can find it again.
For instance, a location recorded as
“Coffie Shop Duke St Glasgow” is considerably less useful than the same location recorded as “549, Duke Street, Glasgow, G31 1DL”.