Archive for August, 2009
How to Boycott Scotland?
A citizen of the United States of America asks
I am American and I would like to boycott Scotland and all things Scottish as a response to them not doing what we Americans jolly well wanted them to do.
My compatriots and I are generally at the lower end of the IQ spectrum therefore I am am unsure how to go about this seemingly rather onerous task. Can you help?
2 lacklustre pieces of inspiration on “How to Boycott Scotland?”
Provide common sense...
Smart Washing Machines
A domestic help writes to ask
I have a washing machine that is one of those new fangled ones that tells you how long it will be till it is finished. It is also smart in that it adjusts the time depending on how clean the water is and the weight of the load. This means it will often suggest how long it will take, then once going, reduce the time as the load is light but then increase the time later on as the clothes were very dirty. I cannot therefore know when the load will be done. Is the timer a good idea?
One pearl of wisdom on “Smart Washing Machines”
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Drum Spin Says:
August 26th, 2009 at 5:16 pmWell this is a hot point. I suggest you get a life instead of clock watching. Have you got bored with your navel ?
Provide common sense...
The Arctic Sea found off the coast of Africa
An intermittant listener of the radio news brings us this geographic conundrum
The Radio Scotland news has just announced that the Arctic Sea has been found off the West coast of Africa.
The last time I saw it, it was at the top of the world, not the middle!
3 lacklustre pieces of inspiration on “The Arctic Sea found off the coast of Africa”
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Consultant K Says:
August 18th, 2009 at 1:07 pmanother case of misunderstanding for comic effect - I presume
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A mostly particular person Says:
August 20th, 2009 at 11:04 amOr perhaps a case of sloppy journalism.
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August 24th, 2009 at 8:46 amMany things are found off west Africa. While it may not be the case here, lazy folk enter unknown lat and long coordinates in a form that becomes 0 0, which is off this coast. See feedback in New scientist for an example. There is also a record of a gorilla from here.
Provide common sense...
A surplus of staples
A light user of stationary products asks
I purchased a small stapler in 1991. Its 1500 staples lasted me until last week - 18 years! I called into my local stationer to purchase some new staples. I could only purchase these in a two box pack - 3000 staples! I now have enough staples to see me through until 2045.
Many things may happen between now and 2045. Can you please suggest some new and innovative uses for my surfeit of staples that will ensure I get my moneys worth in a more timely fashion?
2 lacklustre pieces of inspiration on “A surplus of staples”
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August 18th, 2009 at 10:19 amFolk never have a stapler when they need one so potentially you could offer a service of stapling things for folk. Saves them purchasing the expensive stapler and the consumables and then only pay for what they use. Try advertising the service on the internet and see how you do.
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August 18th, 2009 at 10:21 amor you could split your pack into 100s and sell them on ebay. I am sure lots of other people are in the same situation as yourself and therefore they can avoid it and you can even profit.
Provide common sense...
Literal Interpretation
Noticed in a coffee shop toilet in Edinburgh
Customers are asked to put nothing other than toilet paper in the toilet.
What are you meant to do?
4 lacklustre pieces of inspiration on “Literal Interpretation”
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August 17th, 2009 at 12:29 pmPoo on the floor, in a large coffee mug, in the coffee beans container or perhaps in the cake display stand, until the idiots that placed the sign there realise the error of their ways.
Fools! I can’t abide improperly thought through signs.
I recently cursed at a sign in a fairground that incited people to pedophilia by stating ‘Adults may ride with small children’! Idiots.
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another particular person Says:
August 17th, 2009 at 4:28 pmFirstly, I’m intrigued the sign also stated “What am I meant to do?”.
I have noticed similar (slightly better written) signs in many places and thought the same thing, however I suppose telling people where to do their business might be considered a little too much detail, and in theory unnecessary, but nevertheless…
I’m also upset by ‘A very particular person’’s mis-spelling of paedophile - not that particular obviously! -
August 24th, 2009 at 8:43 amWell, that is this site black listed by internet search engines. The first particular person had the good sense to mis spell the word.
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col Says:
September 2nd, 2009 at 10:38 pmits also limited the google-ads somewhat - there’ll be a gaping hole in yer profits from 24th aug!
Provide common sense...
I am a muppet
A very troubled chap asks
I am a total muppet. I keep making the wrong decisions. How can I best make the correct decisions?
One pearl of wisdom on “I am a muppet”
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Consultant G Says:
August 5th, 2009 at 8:44 amWorrying, but at last you have made a wise choice by contacting us.
Have you considered that you are finding yourself in situations where every decision will be wrong ? In these situations you have to consider the ‘least worst’ (if you excuse the poor English).
Then again you must be doing something right as you are still alive, so perhaps you are taking a biased view, and forgetting about all of the really good decisions you have made recently.Yours,
Auntie dead duck
Provide common sense...
Floor tiling and grouting issue
A troubled DIYer asks
I wish to grout my newly laid floor tiles. From past experience it takes four times as long to clean the excess grout off the new tiles as it does to do the initial grouting. My technique, as advised by my DIY bible is to splat the grout into the gap with a trowel and grout float then firm it in with a pencil or plastic tool. After all this is done I wipe off a huge amount of excess with my cloth.
Surely there must be an easier and less wasteful way?
One pearl of wisdom on “Floor tiling and grouting issue”
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Consultant C Says:
August 4th, 2009 at 11:43 amThe almighty weapon of floor tiling is a disposable cake icing bag. Purchase one from the kitchen section of your favorite department store. This a moderately strong triangular plastic bag and will cost you around 50 pence.
Chop off the corner to an appropriate width, fill with grout, squirt it into the gaps, smooth with a pencil or grout tool, and wipe off the very small amount of excess.
August 26th, 2009 at 3:39 pm
Why yes, of course we can help. That’s what we are here for.
To boycott Scotland and all things Scottish will be rather tricky for you, as the Scots invented almost all things.
We can do no better than to refer you to the excellent guidelines for patriotic Americans on this website http://www.boycottscotland.co.uk/.
Good luck, you’ll need it.
August 26th, 2009 at 5:14 pm
I would like to take this opportunity to thank the American citizens for supporting our country during the hard years of the 1980s by providing the funds for Irish terrorist organisations to buy Libyan munitions etc. This was a great help to our economy. To return your support, people of USA, I too shall boycott Scotland.