Archive for November, 2009
A New Decade
A very good question from one of our readers.
The decade that we have just left was the naughties and in ten year time we will enter the twenties but what shall we call the next decade? The teens only work for the second half of the decade and the tens just sounds wrong.
6 lacklustre pieces of inspiration on “A New Decade”
Provide common sense...
Overdraft Charges
A bank customer who enjoys free banking asks
Am I the only one to be slightly annoyed with all these people who go over their overdraft limit and get charged for it see this as unfair. Surely they have entered an agreement with the bank and then should they break the agreement they should be penalised?
One pearl of wisdom on “Overdraft Charges”
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Consultant G Says:
November 30th, 2009 at 3:46 pmYou are right, and the law is on your side.
I expect that the recipricle is that we can now charge the banks for going overdrawn on our money.
Provide common sense...
Sitting on the phone
A person asks
My new phone comes with the warning that I am to “please remove the device from yours pants before sitting down”. Can you offer any more advice?
2 lacklustre pieces of inspiration on “Sitting on the phone”
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Consultant C Says:
November 25th, 2009 at 2:19 pmI think that is quite explicit. The only further advice I can offer is to suggest that you don’t put your phone down your pants in the first place. Depending on how fastidious you are with your personal hygene, it may begin to smell. Try using a pocket for phone storage instead.
If you insist on storing your phone in your pants, avoid boxer shorts as it may fall out of the leg and appear unexpectedly at your ankle.
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November 30th, 2009 at 3:45 pmThe lack of specificity in “please remove the device from yours pants” did make me snigger.
Common sense suggests you put a phone in your pants, ever. The radiation may have undesired affects.
Provide common sense...
A yank at lunchtime?
A birder asks:
With shortened daylight hours, and busy weekends, I find I cannot go birdwatching outwith work hours. This is a problem as there are a few rare American waders have turned up lately near my work. Any common sense advice as to how to see these local Yankee rares ?
Tags: birding
One pearl of wisdom on “A yank at lunchtime?”
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Consultant K Says:
November 19th, 2009 at 10:08 amget a new indoor hobby? Or maybe utilise a friend who has no employment to go and take some pictures of it for you?
In reality the common sense idea is to go and check you holiday allowance and if that has all been used up get your employee to allow flexible working. All work and no play…..
Provide common sense...
Energy Efficiency of the Sun
A concerned reader asks
I am led to believe that the sun is using through millions of tonnes per second of fuel. Do we need to consider ways in which we can make it more efficient?
One pearl of wisdom on “Energy Efficiency of the Sun”
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November 11th, 2009 at 3:59 pmI think you should go and make some measurements at the surface of the Sun. You will be no loss to the human gene pool.
Provide common sense...
How can I get pollen off my carpet?
A house husband asks
I have bought my beloved some lilys but whilst trimming out the male parts with their hazardously staining jizz I dropped the stamen on the carpet. What can I do to prevent staining?
One pearl of wisdom on “How can I get pollen off my carpet?”
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November 11th, 2009 at 11:14 amUse sticky tape to pick up the pollen. Do it in instantly. Don’t mess about. Now.
If you leave it for any length of time you’ll be stuck with the stain for life.
Provide common sense...
BMW drivers
A concerned friend asks
A friend of mine is considering purchasing a BMW. My concern is that he is aware of the social stigma concerning BMW drivers yet doesn’t seem to care.
He also doesn’t care that is is rear wheel drive and will be rubbish in the snow & ice and he will have bounced it off the walls of the steep and narrow road on which he lives several times before the winter is out.
Does this mean he really is a w*nker and therefore is destined to own a BMW, thus we have to let him enter his inexorable downward spiral? Or is it possible that we can turn him around and prevent him from descending into w*nkerdom?
10 lacklustre pieces of inspiration on “BMW drivers”
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November 10th, 2009 at 12:03 pmThis appears to be a comment, rather than a request for common sense. The purchase of the BMW does make sense - it is more fuel efficient than his current model, and lower tax group, and better brakes / power managment system. Therefore, he is being sensible.
The only thing that is not sensible is getting a rear wheel drive car as we go into winter. As long as the risk is realised, and the vehicle driven safely, there is no issue (and I note that he did control the piroette in his front wheel drive very well - it was almost as if he intended us to spin 360 on the ice that day).Two other observations : w4nkers generally drive Audi’s these days, and red is no longer a bad colour to have. Thus, a red BMW is much better than a silver Audi.
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November 10th, 2009 at 12:05 pmHey, the google ads have increased in quality suddenly.
Has he considered a Mercedes perhaps, or even an Aston Martin ? A nice Lotus ? -
November 10th, 2009 at 12:19 pmNo, no, you’ve misunderstood: it’s not about the car, it’s about the person and how we can help this poor soul from becoming an outcast amongst his friends.
It’s important you all sit down together and consider all the options in a peaceful and friendly manner. Offer informal counseling to the hapless wreck, then kick him in the balls if he refuses to budge.
[ Consultant G, have you taken leave of your senses? Or perhaps someone has stolen your identity. ]
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November 10th, 2009 at 5:02 pmTo me, he has made a sensible choice. Forget your prejudices and go with it. Othwerwise you’ll be left cold and wet when we drive of and leave you standing at the bottom of a hill in the highlands as darkness falls.
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November 10th, 2009 at 6:55 pmRarely do I find myself saying one of the other consultants on the panel is wrong or ill informed but I have to say that Can C seems to be on a prejudiced rant of some form and is judging people by the car they drive.
I for instance would never think of people who drive mazdas as dull and boring, in the same way that I would not presume all bmw drivers are w4nkers.
The questioner needs also to understand that cars have moved on and even the most basic of cars have mechanisms that correct for driver uselessnes and bad weather conditions preventing wheel spin and the like. More expensive cars come with stability correction and similar and so it is unlikely he will spin it (unless he presses the off buttons or is a w4nker behind the wheel).
Allow your friend to choose the car that is best/most enjoyable for him to drive and put your prejudices to one side.
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November 11th, 2009 at 9:18 amA ‘prejudiced rant’? Of the three substantial responses to this query, I consider mine to be the least rant-like and more of a measured opinion. As to the criticism of prejudice, my opinions are based on personal observation. Our questioners friend will have to work hard to break the mold set my a generation of BMW drivers and ingratiate himself with his social circle.
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November 11th, 2009 at 10:26 amNo Con C. I think you are missing the point. What both G and myself are trying to suggest is that people may have that opinion but are they right to believe that. The article you highlight (from 2006 I note) lists the order of the other vehicle drivers people do not like and unsurprisingly Merc, Audi and other high end cars follow BMW. However if you look at the statistics for accidents (http://www.themoneystop.co.uk/062009/claims-figures-show-bmw-drivers-not-worst-on-road.html) it is Ford drivers that are the worst (I don’t know if this figure has been corrected for number of vehicles on the road).
The point is that you are judging folk by the car they drive rather than anything else which is not common sense.
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November 11th, 2009 at 10:37 amTimes change. It used to be Volvo drivers who got the bad press. Go on, say that now !
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The questioner Says:
November 11th, 2009 at 11:36 amIt transpires it’s too late; my friend has bought the BMW. I didn’t even get a chance to kick him in the balls (but I think I’ll do it anyway, just to make me feel better).
Prevention is now not an option. How can I best manage my friend’s opinion of himself?
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November 30th, 2009 at 6:08 pmFollowing detailed reviews of cars over the last few weeks I am happy to announce the results (mainly because I am bored of recording it now) of which drivers are the biggest w$&kers. I do not claim that this is scientific in any way as it is not correcting for numbers on the roads, or miles driven by those types but it can be seen as a snap shot.
One mark has stood out from all the others and it is Audi with 9 counts of w$nkerish behaviour. On three counts I have Volvo, Rangerover and Citreon. On two I have Mazda, BMW, Ford, VW and Jag and then a stack on one count (including a Smart for overtaking at 85 on a windy day in the wet when he (and I saw it was a him) clearly had little control over the car other than a generally forward momentum).
In conclusion I would say that Audi does deserve the new reputation as the new idiots on the road.
November 30th, 2009 at 2:54 pm
The teenies could apply to both: at the beginning of the decade the pluralisation of the word teeny would provide recognition of the fact that 11 and 12 are slightly smaller than true teenage years, and for the rest of the decade the “ie” could serve as a linguistic alignment with the twenties, thirties etc, or alternatively as an expression of fondness, depending on how we feel.
November 30th, 2009 at 3:00 pm
I’m an expert in time. I notice an anomaly in the questioners question. The statement “the decade that we have just left was the naughties” was posted in 2009. As we wont leave the ‘naugties’ for another month or so, can I have contact details for the questioner so I can nip round and beat them up? You see, I’m the only time traveller in this village, and I can’t have any pretenders cramping my style.
November 30th, 2009 at 3:50 pm
Interesting. In the 1900s this was referred to as the Edwardian period, but during that decade they had far more important things to worry about than what to call a decade.
Now, I would suggest that in some 10 or so years time we will have another issue. We cannot call the period 2020 - 2029 ‘the twenties’, because that will cause confusion with the 1920s. What are we to do ?
November 30th, 2009 at 3:53 pm
To the village time traveller,
I am an expert in apostrophes. I fear that use of your time machine may have caused you to inadvertently miss the lesson on apostrophe placement. Can I suggest that you nip back and participate, for the purpose of clarity in future communication?
December 1st, 2009 at 10:13 am
Punctuation aside, Consultant G’s comments have raised another question for me which the time traveller may be able to answer: Does time go faster these days for God?
I have always (self centredly, perhaps) taken the decade referred to as the most recent unless specified otherwise, for example assuming the expression “80s fashion revival” to mean shoulder pads rather than princess line. But for someone as old as God, things could get quite confusing. Can anyone advise how he keeps track?
December 1st, 2009 at 10:05 pm
I think the simple answer to the question would be to doubt gods existence but that would be too easy. I think the best way of answering the question is to look at how the brain registers time (assuming god has a brain). To date, no part of the brain that records time has been found and it is therefore thought that brain measures time on the basis of the details recorded. The brain records more details when something new or different is being done, the more it records the quicker time passing is perceived. Thus when you are a small child time passes more slowly as more things are new and the opposite when you do something repetitive.
Therefore I would suggest that God is bored and time passes slowly for him - and doubt he uses the Gregorian calender!